Who is this girl in the mirror?

This morning is the first time that I had looked at my blog in quite awhile. You could have colored me orange when I realized that it had been more than two and a half months since I had last updated you.  I feel like I should introduce myself again and direct any newcomers to the short version of my story up till now.

When I last left you I had just signed up for an Instructor II class and had formed my first ever MS Walk team called Next Steps. I made the decision to sign up for the class in the beginning of January, during a refresher class I was attending to keep my certification as a paramedic. Shortly after  I decided to start the team Next Steps to participate in  MS Walk:Columbia 2010. The class would have given me the ability to teach a subject matter I really enjoyed and also bring in some extra money for the family. The Walk team was something I have been feeling that I should be doing for years.  I must have been in a very good place mentally for me to believe I could tackle both endeavors with my usual obsessive/compulsive need to totally involve my self in a project and be happy with nothing short of perfection.

On the way to the first class  I tripped and fell twice, talk about a confidence destroyer when you are depending on strength to get you through. I sat in class, only slightly bruised, and listened to all the requirements and projects that needed to be completed in the next six weeks and found myself feeling incredibly overwhelmed.  I drove home almost in tears.  For one of the first times in my life I was realizing that I just might not be able to do it all.  It was time to take a long look in the mirror and see who it was that was actually looking back at me.

The face that I saw was incredibly familiar, maybe a bit heavier, some who don’t mind their manners might say a little older, but otherwise there I was.  That is until I looked past the surface and into the hazel eyes that showed me my real reflection.  I was no longer the young, physically strong, single, independent, conquer the world, would take on anything, me that I still found myself often imagining that I was.  Instead I saw a middle-aged wife and mother of three, often housebound, who had a chronic disease, which whether I liked it or not, left me chronically tired, could shroud me in depression, take away my strength, and make me dependent whenever it so chose with no input from me.  However when I looked a little deeper there it was, a glimmer of my old self in a new form.  A self transplanted into a new situation  and a body with physical limitations, but a self that still dreamed of participating in live, raising intelligent and happy kids, helping those in need, and being a productive member of society.  That self was just going to have to fight a little harder and accept the new reality in which it existed including the limitations that came with it.

Three days later I withdrew from the Instructor II class.  When you can no longer, or should no longer, try to do it all one must decide were their priorities are.  I have a wonderful husband who already works himself to exhaustion every day to help me.  He had given me his blessing to take this class because, I believe, that he often feels desperate to find something that will make me happy, draw me out of my depression, allow me to feel connected to something, feel alive.  However this all comes at his, and the rest of the family’s, expense.  This class or I as an individual, was not going to, and never should, be something that leads to the collapse of the rest of the family.

I had already become very involved in team Next Steps and to be honest, at that point, that is where my passion laid.  It fulfilled all my needs to be alive, connected, a productive member of society, and I was helping myself and my family at the same time.  If I can only significantly involve myself in one thing at a time it’s going to take some time to get use to but it’s the new face in the mirror, the new me, and all things considered I really don’t have much to complain about.

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1 Comment

  1. herrrad said,

    May 21, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    Hi Debbie,
    Good post, difficult to come to terms with the huge changes MS makes to our lives.
    Glad you looked and could see you.
    Love.
    Herrad


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